I thought I’d have it all figured out by now

When I was younger I thought I knew a lot of stuff.

I thought milk was bad for you (since milk is pretty much heavenly like chocolate and candy). I also thought that you would go to jail if you didn’t enroll in college after you walked across the stage at your high school graduation. I remember each moment when I embarrassingly realized that I was mistaken. They were both pivotal moments in my life because 1. I  hate being embarrassed/feeling stupid & 2. I hate being wrong.

I had perceptions about life that were changed. I found out that milk has calcium and is actually good for your bones. I also found out (perhaps a little too late) that you don’t HAVE to go to college right away, or even at all.

As I grew, my perceptions changed, just like I did.

I learned from people who were older and wiser. I gathered information and thought out my beliefs and goals (even if at first they might have just been copied).

You know how, when you’re younger, you thought your parents knew EVERYTHING? They were all knowing. They had an answer for your questions. They knew all these things and you didn’t know how they could possibly remember it all. But of course, they were your parents after all. When you became a parent and you were old, you would know everything too, right?

After I realized that not everything I knew was true, I began to think about what I would learn and know in the future. And then I began to have expectations for my future self.

Just like Ariel, I would meet my true love when I was 16. I would also be fully physically developed, with no acne, AND I would have perfect hair. Did I mention I would be incredibly stylish? Yes. This is how I would be when I was 16….so I thought…when I was 11. Because 16 was then the perfect age.

In actuality, when I was 16, I was convinced that I was going to be single forever (because I had a list that no boy could match) and change the world by becoming a microbiologist and doing medical research to cure the world of every disease (acne was probably one of those diseases).

I turned 20 years old last week. I believe that I am the female version of Peter Pan. I always wanted to fly to Neverland so that I wouldn’t have to grow up. But I have left my years as a child and now I have left my teenage years. I never thought this day would come so soon and I never thought I would feel so unchanged. I thought by this time I would have figured out exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I would know what I wanted as a career. I would have a plan. I would be a stronger Christian. I would break out of my introverted shell. I wouldn’t have anymore acne (just kidding…..maybe).

But I think that I will always feel this way. Maybe not exactly this way. But I think that the older I become the more I will realize that it doesn’t matter how old I am. I will always be growing, learning, becoming wiser (I hope).

I think I’ll always feel a little out of the loop, a little silly, a little dumb, and maybe even a little childish. I think I will always feel this way because I know that this is not all there is. It’s not just a bunch of silly screwed up people on earth. There’s something bigger. God is bigger. He holds me in His hands and tells me that I am still a child. I will always be His child. I will never know what I’m going to be like next year or ten years from now. I won’t always know the right thing to do or say. And I think it’s supposed to be this way. I may not like it all the time. I may get frustrated. But that’s because I’m just a child, trying to understand. What I need to do is trust that God knows. It’s God’s plan. It’s His timing. And everything will work out for the good.

I don’t have it all figured out, but He does.

 

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3 thoughts on “I thought I’d have it all figured out by now

  1. Pingback: Planning. « Overratedly Normal

  2. Pingback: The planning scared me « This is where I write

  3. Pingback: almost married college student | Alison Almost-Smith

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